02 September 2008

Wanna watch The Channel?

(I dedicate the next word to Helen)

So I turned our cable off a while back.

It was a bit of a rash decision. After months of bad service and frustrated phone calls to "customer care" (we'll use those words very loosely) I was fed the fugg up.

I stopped paying the bills and canceled the damn thing.

This is how it went: Chris was in China.
I was able to watch my few select shows online (Weeds, Family Guy, Project Runway blahdy blah blah.)
I convinced myself we were in danger of slipping into a life dominated by the idiot box.
We should save money. We should read a book. We should get out more. And the cable company should GO TO HELL.

Then one day our blinking black box was gone and the screen went dark.

I had made the decision figuring we'd get 5 or 6 basic channels...umm...yeaaaah...that didn't happen.
We got one. ONE. 1. Uno.
That's right folks - one channel.

So now we don't watch TV, we watch The Channel. Now instead of saying "Hey, wanna see what's on the boob-tube?" we say "Wanna see what's on The Channel?"

Right now The Channel has on a BBC / PBS nature show called "The Pacific Abyss" or "The Dark Abyss" or "Crazy Scientists Diving Very Deep" or "Cool Nature Footage with Manufactured Drama.'" Or something like that.

Anywaaaay. "The Pacific Abyss" is on and they are diving trés deep and discovering new fish species and the like. I'm a certified diver (or was once, at least) but I've only been to 50 feet or so - these crazy dudes were going 300 METRES down. Interesting stuff.

BUT I had to walk away cause the narrator kept referring to them as The Fish Scientists.
As in "The fish scientists are preparing for a dive deeper than any man has gone on before" and "As a storm brews on the surface the fish scientists are down so deep they've lost communications with the boat and don't know that ascending now could mean facing certain death."
Surely the English language, the BBC and PBS have some better words to describe these guys. Like say, oh, I don't know...maybe MARINE BIOLOGISTS??? Or maybe just scientists? Biologists?

Why the FISH SCIENTISTS?? That's just wrong.

Call me weird if you must, but this got under my skin so badly I had to walk away.

So (helen) I'm trolling away online, looking for something to distract me from the constant barrage of the words FISH SCIENTIST and then the next show comes on the channel.


Dear god in heaven either help me or shoot me now, it's Prison Break.

Lemme explain.

In the last weeks I've developed a real love/hate relationship with this show. And by love/hate relationship I mean I DESPISE this show, but am constantly compelled to watch more. It's like being addicted to a drug that gives you no high (sorta like cigarettes...hmmm...anyone see a pattern with me?)

Let's rewind and break it down step by step, shall we?

1) I turn off cable tv.

2) We have one channel, usually with nothing on.

3) We start renting DVDs on the occasions we feel the need to devolve in front of the mind- drinker.

4) We decide to rent whole seasons of shows from time to time, more bang for the buck, so to speak.

5) Video stores in Dublin are small and understocked.

6) None of the shows we'd want to watch are ever in.

7) One day we pick Prison Break Season 1 cause I say 'Oh, I think I remember this being popular, it must be good' (Seriously - I am not a dumb girl but for that weak moment I forgot that popular = lowest common denominator. I forgot all the really good shows get canceled before their time. Speaking of which - is Friday Night Lights still on?)

8) We watch Prison Break Season 1 and find it to be one of the most inane and unbelievable shows ever created.

9) We also get addicted and NEED to know what happens next. It makes us mad. It pisses us off. It insults our intelligence. The plot has holes so big you could drive C.W. McCall's convoy through it.
We don't enjoy it, but we must know what happens next.

10) We rent and successively watch Prison Break Season 2 and Prison Break Season 3. Each one is more ridiculous than the next.

11) There are no more seasons of Prison Break available at our video store. We breathe a sigh of relief. We have been released from this insidious addiction. Our supply has dried up. We have no choice but to go cold turkey. Escaped Con Michael Scofield is flying a kite and smoking a jay on the Chattahoochee Rive for all we care. We are done. We are FREE!!

12) While watching some lovely Friends reruns the other day we see a commercial on The Channel. Prison Break Season 4 starts Tuesday on The Channel.

13) Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

14) Tonight. 9pm. Prison Break Season 4 has begun and I am doing my best not to watch. I write this post in protest. I will NOT get sucked back in. The internet is my methadone. I am using it like a nicotine patch. Chris is watching and I can SEE his blood pressure rising. This show is just b.a.d. but he can't let go just yet. I'll do my best to get him to kick the habit, fight the good fight and drop this life sucking piece of garbage....wish me luck.

I wonder what The Fish Scientists are up to?



Becky said...

Oh the irony of it all Kelly! I once wanted to be a fish scientist. Your going to have to take a bat to the TV I'm afraid.

Alli Arnold said...

The Channel???

Channel Z!!!!

"I want the world to change for me---gotta get away---away from Z!

Living on the edge of Z!

Getting nothing but static
Static in my attic from Channel Z!

Gotta tune in---Prison Break!
Gotta tune out---Fish Scientists!
Gotta tune in---Friends!
Gotta tune out---Frasier!
Gotta tune in---Before/After!
Gotta tune out---Rachel Ray!

Channel Z's all static all day forever---
time to open your windows,
Let in better weather!!!"

But Shirl, we could watch THE CHANNEL together all day and have a great time.

xoxo A

Regina said...

Hey Kelly. Prison Break is a great show. When in Dublin, check out Grogan's Pub (15 S. William St), it's the family namesake. Came across some old pictures of us as kids and would love to send them to you if you have an email address (they're from like when we were 4 years old!). Maybe in Oct. when you come back to LI we could get together, would love for you to meet my husband and catch up on old times if you're not too busy. Hope Finland was fantastic. Regina

Kelly said...

Hey Regina!
Chris and I could see J. Grogan's from the window of our first apartment! We went there all the time. Love that place!! You can find pics in the earlier blog entries on the right side of the page - probably June or July of last year.

Would love to see old pics of us - Jean Jean the Grass is Green!!

My email - kelsabop@gmail.com

Unfortunately while I'm back home I'll be spending 3 days in Pennsylvania and 3 days upstate so I won't be on Long Island much. But if I'm at 106 I'll call for you. :-)

Anonymous said...

So if you ever get Mad Men on your channel or see season 1 in the video store, I highly, highly recommend it. I think you would like it Kel. Excellent show on AMC so I'm sure not many people watch it, but it won Emmey's and is critically acclaimed. (so of course I'm just waiting for it to be cancelled!) Right now it's in the middle of or near the end of season 2. Love it love it love it!

Anonymous said...

Kelly, One day A friend let me borrow season one of prison break and I too, was addicted. I watched it in 2 days. Like a zombie in front of the screen. I have not moved onto season 2 yet cause my friend is watching, but I cant wait. I will not watch it live because I would like to see the season in order and I dont mind being behind. So for now I wait for season 2 from my friend. You are right, it has many holes in the story and really, whatev... the actors are hot. and the story does, whether you like it or not, draw you in. Oh TV. Its always a love hate relationship with that damn box.