Well I haven't been offered a job yet so figured I'd take a new approach.
Here's my new resume cover letter:
I recommend myself to this position because if I am not hired fire will fall down from the sky. If I am not hired the ten plagues of Egypt will visit this land. Think of it - frogs falling from the sky, climbing out of your underwear drawer, frogs under your pillow. Gnats, flies, diseased cattle. Blood will flow from your taps. If I do not get this job you will break out into boils. The leaders of all the nations in all the world will go insane and join forces to enslave the entire population of Earth. Beelzebub will walk the streets eating babies and stealing souls. If I am not selected for this position your family will disown you, you will gain sixty pounds overnight and your feet will sprout an abundance of hair. The heavens will open up for forty days and nights of lashing rain. People will weep, wail and gnash their teeth in the streets; tearing their hair and ripping their garments.
Available to start immediately. Can type 50 wpm.